Making Time
by Voyfemme
Summary: Summary: Chakotay and Janeway must deal with the effects that the contents of their letters from the alpha quadrant have on themselves and on each other. JC, CT
1. Chapter 1

**Part 9: Coming into the Light: **

**Ray 3: Making Time**

Summary:

Chakotay and Janeway must deal with the effects that the contents of their letters from the alpha quadrant have on themselves and on each other. (J/C, CT)

_Pairing: _J/C, CT _Rating_: PG-13 _Type of Story:_ Mush _Level_: 2

* * *

**Part 9: Coming into the Light: **

**Ray 3: Making Time**

Chakotay strolled out onto the bridge from his quarters. Neelix had indeed made breakfast and he Tom, Tuvok and Harry had a leisurely meal, but he still had a whole two hours until his duty shift began after he had returned to his quarters and gotten dressed for the day. He had decided to get an early start on his monthly reports, however in order to do that he needed to find the accepted personnel reports from the captain. Sitting in his chair at the bridge, he used the consul to check to see if the captain had downloaded them into the computer. She hadn't. He sighed, he would now have to find the PADD where she had kept the data and see if she had imputed her acceptance code. Maybe she had done so on the individual reports and had not gotten around to downloading all of the reports at the same time into the computer. Chakotay got up to go to the ready room figuring that she would have put it here.

He walked right in and did not bother with the chimes figuring that she would be still in her quarters, he stopped abruptly when he saw Kathryn sitting at her customary position behind her desk.

"Come in" she said with a bemused smile.

'Sorry Captain, but I thought that you would still be in your quarters, you duty shift doesn't start until three hours from now."

"I couldn't sleep"

Chakotay smiled as he came to join her on the desk.

"You should have joined us in the Mess Hall, half the senior officers were there two hours ago with the same ailment."

"Hmm" Janeway smiled and sipped her coffee. She punched in some code on her PADD and then placed on the desk, ready to give him her full undivided attention.

"Did you come in for something specific Commander?"

"Actually since I couldn't sleep, I decided to start on my monthly reports early, I came in to look for the accepted personnel reports."

"Tsks, tsk, tsk, Commander, one workaholic command officer is enough, don't be picking up some of my bad habits."

Janeway took her cup, got up and gestured to the couch, Chakotay followed her,

"Surely there is something else that you could be doing besides work at this hour."

"I guess for relaxation, I could be doing the same thing that you are doing at this hour. And that would be….." Chakotay looked at her questioningly.

She smiled slyly at him "Work. Well I'm better at giving orders rather than following them."

"As first Officer, this I know." Chakotay took his usual seat on the couch so that he could face the captain

"hrumph"

You know you never got around to telling me what your nightmare was about. Unless you don't want to talk about it now."

"It's nothing that big, it actually my usual nightmare, not getting the crew home, it's just that this time there was an alien in it"

"Usual nightmare?"

"Periodically after something bad happens, I have this re-occurring nightmare. It started right after the Borg/Species 8472 conflict and for a period of time after it, the dream was constant. Now it comes in fists and bursts." Kathryn didn't tell him that this time, her nightmare was different. In her original nightmares the crew were either assimilated in the Collective or transformed into aliens. She never had nightmares where they died because it took the full 70 years to get her crew home.

"Don't you have the same nightmares, especially after that period of time?" Kathryn was curious. They almost didn't make it during that conflict, was she the only one who worried about the decisions that she made in the Delta Quadrant.

"No I don't" Kathryn didn't know why, but this answer saddened and angered her at the same time.

"You'll get us home Kathryn, that I know." Chakotay looked directly at her. Kathryn met his gaze but looked away shortly after

"You know what I keep thinking about, Chakotay." What would it be like if we were to get home tomorrow. It has been so long since we heard any news from the alpha quadrant. I wonder how Starfleet is doing especially in the situation that brought us together in the first place. And of course, what happens to us when we get there, especially those of us who were in the Marquis."

"Us!" Chakotay looked directly at her, his gaze intense.

"Chakotay, please, US. We have been through to much together, to start separating out the Marquis from the original Starfleet Crew."

"That may be so," Chakotay's face remained dark, "But I think that Starfleet will be able to easily make that distinction."

Kathryn sat up suddenly and grasped his arm. "Maybe they can, but I won't!" Her eyes pinned him with her stare

"Kathryn, you don't have to worry about us, or even about me. Being part of this crew has turned my life around and I'm sure I'm not the only one. There was a reason for us being stranded here in the Delta Quadrant and there are consequences. I have already made peace with the inevitable when we get home."

"I won't give up on you Chakotay, this is my crew and I won't allow them to be thrown to the wolves, even if the wolves are wearing a Starfleet uniform."

"I know that Captain." Chakotay smiled at the resolution in her voice

"And then again, this maybe a mute point, I doubt that we would be in contact with Starfleet tomorrow, or even the next day."

Kathryn dismissed the thought; they had plenty of time, before they had to worry about that scenario.

* * *

_Time may have just run out_

Kathryn was sitting in her quarters a half written letter on the PADD in front of her. She picked it up and looked at it again, thinking about the same conversation they had about what? A month ago. Talk about premonitions. Now it seemed that supposition was about to become reality. A year ago, she had started this letter and then just stopped accepting the futility of letting people back home know about her days and night in her Command of Voyager. Now she could continue. Or should she. It's been a while since they had their hopes up about getting back home. Did she remember the disappointments that she felt each time they did not pan out.

_This time is different though_, Kathryn mused to herself. They weren't getting home, they were just going to be in contact, and since that was less than she wanted, this time it may just come to pass. The Doctor would be back through the alien array at any time, she could feel it in her gut and that was a good sign.

_It's been a while since I last wrote to you, Mark, and it has been four years since I have been away from you and still, even this far away, something would happen to me during the day; an ordinary thing and I'd remember you and remember us. All the times we had together and all the plans that we made.. I don't miss you as much as I did when I was first stranded here, but in the unguarded moments, it seems that the pain of being apart from you as fresh as the first month that I have been stuck here._

Kathryn wasn't so sure what she felt at that instant, but she knew if there was any hope that Mark had waited for her she was going to encourage it. They had been engaged and had been through too much together for her to give up on them without a fight.

* * *

_I told Kathryn that I was prepared to face the consequences when we got back home. Now I'm not too sure. I know that she'll fight the hardest for us, but Starfleet is not going to just let us go on to resume our normal Marquis activities. We will be detained until the fighting is over. I can't believe that I will have to spend the rest of the war in a prison cell. Part of me is glad at the prospect. We have so much of a Starfleet crew over the past four years, I had forgotten how much I had missed it, how much I had missed wearing the uniform. Yet still another part of me is trying to figure out how to convince the Captain to let is out before we reach Starfleet headquarters so we can continue the fighting. Still one step at a time. If you are reading this, I'm sure that at this time, all we will have are two way communications_. 

Chakotay lowered the PADD as he finished scribing that statement. Should he expect more than that? And why did he feel as if he hoped for less.

* * *

Chakotay could feel all eyes on him as he descended to his seat on the bridge. He wished that he had more to say, better news to give, but there wasn't any. The Doctor was just not back yet, and they didn't know when he would be, if he would be. All they could do was wait and hope. 

Taking his seat, he noticed that Kathryn was trying hard to hide a PADD from him.

"What's that?"

"Letters home," she says. "I started them a year ago. One to my family...one to Mark," she adds with a shy smile. "I'm making a few updates just in case...I know. It's premature," she admits.

"It's probably a mistake for us to get our hopes up at all. We've been through this before."

Janeway stared at him and unable to keep his secret any longer, he broke into a smile.

"All right, I'll admit it. I just finished a letter to my cousin in Ohio." Janeway slapped his arm playfully with the PADD as they share a cautious chuckle.

"It looks like our discussion a month ago was not too much off the mark." He said in way of conversation.

"I know, who would have thought that we'd be here now, waiting to get word that people in the Alpha Quadrant at least know that we are alive?"

"Who indeed" She looked so cautiously optimistic that Chakotay did not have the heart to mention some of the dark thoughts that had been running through his mind about their possible communication link to the Alpha Quadrant.

* * *

Chakotay sat staring out of the window. The stars were not moving. Usually they were whenever he stopped and took the time to look out. But not today, because today was one of the most important days of their time in the Delta Quadrant. They had made contact with the Alpha Quadrant. People knew they were out there and were trying to get back. They would try to stay in constant contact, would try to help them get back a little sooner, they would bring news of home. 

_They wanted you to know that you were no longer alone.  
60,000 years just got a little closer today._

Chakotay put the PADD in his hand on the desk and moved over to the couch. Somehow, he could not take his eyes off the windows.

The chime sounded. Chakotay stood, "Come"

Janeway entered Chakotay's Office and was surprised to see him standing by the couch.

"Any word?" He asked. They were standing dead in space waiting to see if any response would come from Starfleet along the same relay network that they had used to send the Doctor.

"No, not yet"

"How long are we going to wait here?"

"As long as it takes Chakotay, I don't want to have a mutiny attempt on my hands." Kathryn came and joined him at the couch, they both took their seats.

"True" Chakotay replied, but Kathryn noticed he was a little somber.

"Apprehensive Chakotay?" He met her gaze. "I guess that I am" Chakotay deflected her. "What about you?"

"Same here, although I guess it's for a different reason. For a long time we have been the single voice of Starfleet. Now I am going to be one arm of the original voice, one ship among many ships that are being directed by Starfleet command."

"Do you know how long it has been since I have been given an order? I don't know how well I'll respond to one that I don't agree with." Kathryn looked bemused

Chakotay laughed aloud.

"Kim to the Captain."

"Yes, Harry"

"Please come to the bridge, we are receiving a transmission."

Kathryn and Chakotay shared a look as they made their way to the Bridge.

* * *

What was going on with the Cardassian/Maquis conflict was only one of Chakotay's concerns. He hated to put a damper on things, but this was something that he was tossing about in his mind and had to be said. 

"Probably, but I can see where it might make it more difficult for some, I guess a lot of people had given up on us, done their mourning, gone on with their lives, found some kind of resolution and now they get word that we are alive but so far away that we may as well be dead."

Watching Harry and Kathryn keeping their hope alive, he didn't have the heart to press home his point. But there was something, something dark looming, his gut could feel it. It was another reason why he didn't press home the point. He had a feeling that he should let them have their joy and their hope now, he was certain sorrow was following.

* * *

_But I didn't think it would be for me and for every other Marquis, and in fact every other member on this crew._

Chakotay sat transfixed at his desk. He had gotten through the first few lines when he thought it best to finish the letter in private. Ayala and Jarvin where on the Bridge and from the time he had read Sveta words, he knew that he couldn't face them, not yet and definitely not in front of the Bridge Crew.

_I've got terrible news Chakotay,  
It's Over. We have been defeated_.

They were waiting on word. On news on how their battle had feared in their four year absence and he knew that they would be able to tell if something was wrong by his expression and by his refusing to say something. But he couldn't tell them anything, he didn't know what to say and how to say it because he couldn't absorb it himself. He had read it over an hour before he could begin to in his quarters, and still part of him was looking for something in that this was an elaborate hoax. But it wasn't, and Chakotay knew that he had to begin to accept that.

His hands formed a steeple in front of his face. Chakotay tried to figure out what he felt. There was numbness. He knew he should feel anger, but helplessness fought for most of the numbness. They should have been there. If Janeway hadn't destroyed the Caretaker's array, then they would have been and they would have died for what they believed in, for what they had been fighting for. And yet if she hadn't, he would have never gotten the opportunity to explore this wondrous part of space, to be a part of Starfleet again and to be a part of the crew of one of the most amazing, determined and wonderful women that he had ever met.

But all the dead, they had needed, him as much as the living on this ship had needed him also. And now the living would need him more. Not only the Marquis survivors, but the Starfleet personnel.

_The Federation is now at war with the Dominion who have taken up residence in Cardassian space in the Alpha Quadrant_

The Federation at War.

Wasn't it just over a year ago, when he and Kathryn were talking about something that she had mentioned that the Federation had been at peace for over 80 years? She had spoken about it as if they would be at peace for another 80 more. In the space of one year, so many things have changed.

Chakotay got up. He had to go to Kathryn. He had heard that she had gotten a letter, she must know the kind of news that they were getting and they needed to talk about this, to figure out how to deal with the emotional health of the crew.

He stopped short, when he reached the door, his anger came to him in a short burst. Let Kathryn worry about her own crew, right now there was someone who needed to know about this first before anyone else. He and B'Elanna had been through to much for her to find out from some else. He had to tell her personally.

* * *

Chakotay had no idea what he was going to say even as he approached B'Elanna, she was working on the upper deck in engineering. He clung to a wild hope that maybe the letter he got was a hoax, maybe she had gotten one that would confirm that theory. 

"Have you gotten a letter yet," Chakotay asked by way of greeting.

B'Elanna did not look up as she answered, her demeanor, seemed to reflect his mood.

"Don't expect one." Came the reply, she did not stop working. Chakotay knew it was time to stop grasping at straws.

"Do you remember Sveta?" he asked;

"Of course"

"I got one from her."

"Why would she be writing you?" Chakotay had been facing B'Elanna but he found that now that it was time to give her the news, he couldn't. He turned away from her and was silent for a long time searching for the words to tell her of what had happened in their absence.

Warning bells were going off in B'Elanna's head. Chakotay looked as if he had given up his soul, she had never seen him look like that. She placed her PADD on the deck, her concern growing into almost panic at what she was seeing. Whatever news he got from back home, it seemed that he almost could not bear it.

"Chakotay, what is it?"

"Something terrible has happened," Chakotay finally says. "I read that letter for an hour before I could accept it. Now I have to tell everyone else...and I'm not sure how to do it."

Finally he looks over and faces her. "It's over, B'Elanna. There are no more Marquis."

"What are you saying? There are thousands of us."

"All wiped out. It seems the Cardassians have an ally...a species from the Gamma Quadrant who supplied them with ships and weapons."

B'Elanna shook her head in disbelief. "Atara...Roberto...everyone except _us_ is dead?" she asked, her voice rising.

"Just about. Sveta and a few lucky ones are in prison."

"No!" She moved away from Chakotay. Realizing her rage for the hurt and pain that it was he tried to reach out to her, to touch her in some way, to try to share her grief.

"B'Elanna!"

"You don't try to console me! I don't want to be comforted! Those were our friends...good people willing to put their lives on the line for something they believed in and now you're telling me that they are gone...that they are slaughtered."

"Those are the risks we all took, we knew where it could lead…" Chakotay tried again to reach her, he didn't even believe what he was saying, he just wanted to touch her, in some way commune with her with her anger to lesson some of the pain that they both felt.

"It's not right and you know it, I will make someone pay, I swear I will" At this time she leaned against the banister hiding her face from him, isolating herself and keeping the pain personal refusing to share it with him, refusing to diminish it in some capacity, in order to justify the guilt and helplessness that she felt being so far away.

"If we ever get back." Finally B'Elanna faced him.

What good was hope in a way home if it got you back to an alpha quadrant where slaughter on such a massive scale was committed?

Chakotay tried one more time to reach out to her by putting his hand on her shoulder and this time B'Elanna sagged against it. He knew that B'Elanna would need time alone to grieve

But Chakotay found that he could not stay there, any longer, he himself now felt that he had to be alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Kathryn had sat at the couch for a long time, before getting up and moving to her desk. All that time the lines from her letter kept coming back to her.

_We were married four months ago. I'm so happy Kath, I never thought that I would stop grieving when you were lost and now to have someone to love and to share life with. It's my second chance. I hope that you understand._

One of Kathryn's wry smiles came to her again as she scolded her self for her disappointment.

_What did you expect? For him to wait, for 60 or 70 years. Be glad that he moved on with his life. You would have done the same and he would have expected you to do the same in your position._

Kathryn's expression sobered

Except Mark could never really understand her position being the captain of a starship, it was the source of most of their disagreements, fuelled most of their compromises and one of the reasons that she loved him so much, he didn't have a Starfleet background and perspective and being with him was like exploring new ways of thinking and of being. She would miss him so much more, now that it was final and they were officially no longer together. But in a way in the midst of the pain, there was some relief. No hope to cling to mean that there was any uncertainty in their future. Kathryn knew it was murder now, but when the grief subsided, it would be much better than it was before.

_Well, what now? In two years time, I had hoped to be having children, being married and settled. With Mark. Now that is not to be. So now I guess I start over when I get home. Assuming that the message had anything about getting home. Given what my first bit of communication from the alpha quadrant contains, I'm not holding out too much hope in the encrypted message._

The chime sounded.

"Come in"

Seven entered.

"Janeway to Chakotay"

"Chakotay here" Chakotay was on his way back to his office.

"The messages are starting to decay being lodged in the communication network. Tuvok and Seven have taken a shuttle craft and gone to the array to beef up the containment field. Please monitor the progress of the messages from Starfleet and let me know if there are any changes."

"Acknowledged. Chakotay out." Chakotay continued to his office. He would check on B'Elanna and monitor the situation from there, for some reason, he did not want to be on the bridge at this time. He couldn't really face himself and Kathryn. It would be good to bury his feelings in work.

Back in her ready room, Kathryn felt the same. It made no sense dwelling on the pain for right now, there were still messages and an encryption sequence that could be instrumental in getting them home. And an interesting phenomena in the form of the relay station to investigate.

* * *

She was still pouring over her readings when the chime sounded again.

Chakotay entered and gave her the update that B'Elanna had reported to him only moments ago. The message was coming in much easier now and it seemed as if Tuvok and Seven had done it. They would be back to Voyager soon. He was not surprised to find her at her desk studying the relay station that was harnessing the Quantum Singularity's power. That is what they shared the most, the scientific curiosity about the phenomena that they were encountering in space. The prospect of staying to study the relay station, almost made him forget what was going on in his personal life.

Almost

"Want a cup?"

Chakotay watched Kathryn walk over to the couch with her cup as he declined her offer. The one for the coffee, not the unspoken one that asked him to stay for she had something on her mind. Chakotay knew then that they were going to have to discuss the Dominion and how information about what was going on in the Alpha quadrant was affecting them in the Delta Quadrant.

"You haven't mentioned your letter, who was it from?"

With the answer, he knew that they were not going to be discussing anything political at this time.

"It was from Mark...The man I was engaged to. He told me about the litter of puppies my dog had--how he found homes for them how devastated he was when _Voyager_ was lost...how he held out hopes we were alive longer than most people did...until he realized that he was clinging to a fantasy. So he began living his life again--meeting people, letting go of the past." She fills in the details like a witness to an accident--almost in shock. "About four months ago he married a woman who works with him. He's very happy."

"And how do you feel about that?" he asks softly, stepping into her personal space, but stopping just a bit short of touching her. The pain and disappointment being reflected in her eyes was so great that he was unsure what she would need at that time and he was giving her space to continue and define the moment.

"Well, I knew he'd eventually move on with his life." her voice drops to a desolate whisper. "But there was such finality to that letter..."

The last statement almost came out in a whisper and he saw that she was desperately close to ……something beyond tears, she looked so lost

"Kim to the captain. Can you come to the bridge?"

Kathryn did not move for several seconds and continued to stare at him as if she wanted to impart some of her suffering on him. That told him of the magnitude of her feelings and as she moved off silently without a word, he knew that she was going to take on her Captaincy once more when she reached the bridge, but this time because it was the only thing that she had left.

As he exited, he wondered if anyone got good news from the Alpha Quadrant.

_

* * *

_

It was over, really over. No more mail call, the network was completely disabled and that meant that for now, there would be no chance of getting any more news from the Alpha Quadrant. Somehow that pleased him. He knew he would have to face the situation again, but now with contact being severed, he would not have to do so right away.

Chakotay made his way to the ready room. He still had to tell the Marquis crew members what had happened. But that could wait until later. He had one more matter more pressing and it had to do with someone who seemed hurt beyond tears.

"Come in"

He stopped short when he saw that Tuvok was with the Captain and as he was about to leave, Tuvok excused himself. Chakotay joined Kathryn at her desk and gave her a verbal report on the condition of the ship. She looked a lot better than she had when she walked out on the Bridge at Harry's summons. He knew that one of the reasons for this was because they had retrieved Seven and Tuvok safely, but then as he knew Kathryn, there was still more, something that she wanted to share with him. Her face looked too hopeful when she looked up at him and asked:

"Want some coffee?"

This time, he accepted, after what they had been through, he needed it.

"Cream and sugar, hm?"

"Two sugars," he says.

"Two sugars?" Kathryn was aghast that he would ruin a good cup of coffee that way.

"You know, you drink too much of that stuff," Chakotay observed.

"Really?"

"If I'm not mistaken that's your third cup this morning."

"Fourth," Kathryn corrected him. "And on a day like today it won't be my last. Coffee: the finest organic suspension ever devised. It's gotten me through the worst of the last three years. I beat the Borg with it."

They share a chuckle at that. Both settled on the couch and Chakotay took his customary position, one in which enabled him to look directly at her. She seemed to relax a little more and put her feet up on the coffee table.

"Oh I'm sure Voyager will be fine, but I'm worried that the crew might be a different story."I think they were hoping mail call would become a regular part of their day."

"Neelix is putting together an impromptu party. He thought it might cheer them up."

"Good idea, when will it be?"

"As soon as he can get people together." Chakotay informed her

"Leave it to Neelix to come up with the right idea at the right time," Kathryn said with approval.

Again, running away, how had he become so adept in catching her doing it?

"How are you doing?" Chakotay asked "Oh I'm fine" came the fast reply

He snorted at that. "You'd say that if you just had your legs torn off by a Trachon beast."

"Look what you've been through in the last few days. We finally make a connection with home and it's ripped away from us." At that Kathryn rolled her head back, feeling some of the exhaustion of the day setting in.

"We manage to make another enemy who's going to try and hunt us down and destroy us." Kathryn rubbed her head as a headache began to come on with the correctness of his words

"And on top of that--" Chakotay wanted to tread carefully with this. Her head came back down and she looked directly at him.

"It's all right. You can say it. On top of all that, I got a "Dear John" letter."

The cavalier attitude, the smiles and the jokes were all gone in a flash.

Janeway sighed as she continued. "It wasn't really a surprise. I guess I didn't really expect him to wait for me considering the circumstances. It made me realize that I was using him as a safety net. You know-- as a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else."

"You don't have that safety net anymore," Chakotay says, letting the hope fill her, it was much better than what he had been seeing before

"That's right," Kathryn agreed.

"Then again, my life is far from uneventful here in the Delta Quadrant. It's not like I would have had a chance to pursue a relationship even if I had realized I was alone."

"You're hardly alone," Chakotay, picking up on her loneliness of command. Kathryn was one of the warmest individual he had ever met, and yet she embraced the distant method of being a Starfleet Captain. Chakotay assumed that her relationship was the way that she was able to shunt most of her warmth. She had let her guard down with the bridge crew as far as warmth and personal space and care was concerned, but never intimacy, and he knew that final leap may not be one that she would ever take.

"And to my way of thinking, there's still plenty of time." For her to let someone in and let someone love her the way that she needed to be loved.

"Plenty of time," she repeats, voice empty, lonely. 60,000 light years of travel time.

"Neelix to the ready room. The party's about to begin and there are only two people missing."

"We're on our way," says Janeway, pointing a finger upwards for nobody in particular. Suddenly she smiled. She had her family, her friends, her best friends here on Voyager. It was not lost on her that Chakotay had come into the ready room to talk to her, to see how she was feeling and to make sure that she was alright with what she had told him before. Kathryn chose to concentrate on the family that she had there waiting for her at the party. And it gave her hope in the midst of her loneliness.


	3. Chapter 3

"And he sent images of the children back home….."

"Would you believe that the Klingons lost that competition to the Bolians?"

"They were so relieved to hear that we were still alive, I don't believe that they held out hope for that long that we were not dead"

"I wonder if they were able to get in touch with him, he normally is a day away via sub-space….."

Kathryn stood at the view port letting the conversations of her crew members float past her. She had spoken to several people who had gotten letters and those who hadn't. Overall the mood was jovial and people were celebrating the fact that they were no longer alone. People from the Alpha Quadrant knew that they were alive and well. They were also celebrating also the fact that they had weathered the latest Delta Quadrant storm together. Seven and Tuvok may not be the most popular of crew members, but they were still part of their small family and they were safe. That fact seem to booster the moral of many even those who were sorrowful because they either didn't receive a letter or those who received bad news in theirs. She knew of one other person who got a Dear John letter. Others had friends and family who died one way or another during their four year absence. Kathryn could see the sadness in their eyes when she talked to them, but she didn't feel as worried as she thought she would because she saw something else in their eyes…..hope.

She wondered if anyone else felt as lonely and alone as she felt tonight. She didn't suppose they did, because they were not responsible for others they way that she was as the Captain. She recalled the loneliness of her command four years ago, and how it was lifted with the drive to get home, the focus of getting back home to Mark. Kathryn sagged a bit now as the full weight of her loneliness came to her. She just couldn't be with others right now. Realizing that there was no one else watching, she slipped out of the party and headed back to her quarters.

* * *

Chakotay debated. All of the former Marquis members were present at the party. It would be a simple matter to tell them then and there what had happened. But he couldn't do that to them now. None of the others had gotten letters and Chakotay knew that they thought that this was as a result of the fact that most of their families and friends were outlaws themselves in they eyes of Starfleet. They didn't know it was because they most of them were dead.

Somehow he got through the party. He had arrived with the Captain but they had split up to mingle. Kathryn had seemed fine when they left the Ready Room, so he stopped being that concerned about her. Because he felt guilty about not letting some of the former Marquis know what was going on, he spent a lot of time talking to them. He was also doing a little recognizance in trying to gage how well they were really doing as they were out of the loop as far as messages were concerned.

The mood seemed to be one of disappointed elation. Disappointment because they heard no news of how their fight was going even though they expected that no one in Starfleet would tell them that information and elation because Starfleet seemed to have sent no message to the Captain ordering them to spend the rest of the journey home in the Brig.

Chakotay also struck up conversation with the original Starfleet crewmembers. He wanted to find out if anyone had gotten word about what was happening in the Alpha Quadrant. But no one did, or maybe it was possible that no one was telling him about it, but he didn't thing that was it. From what he had been able to piece together, Starfleet gave a very short window of opportunity for collecting the first set of letters; possibly fearing that Voyager may move out of range soon. It seemed that only immediate family were notified and he supposed that Sveta must have found a Marquis sympathizer to get her letter in the cache. So it seemed that there would be no repercussion from this until he decided to say something. Chakotay sighed inwardly, he really didn't know if he had the strength to do just that.

It was at this time that Chakotay realized that at least he had told one person about it. He scanned the crowd for B'Elanna. He hadn't spoken to her yet for the night and he wanted to see how she was doing.

He saw her at the eastern end of the Mess Hall listening to Harry. Harry seemed to be aglow as he related the contents of his letter to both Tom and B'Elanna. But B'Elanna looked the same way as she did earlier when he caught up with her in engineering…absent. Actually, she looked worst. She looked numb. Harry seemed not to notice, he was so excited to be sharing his news, but Tom did. From ten paces away, Chakotay observed the other man's uneasy glances in B'Elanna's direction and from what he could tell, Tom was trying to engage B'Elanna in conversation, but she wasn't biting and Tom looked puzzled.

Chakotay knew what Tom didn't. It would take time for B'Elanna to deal with what had happened. He suddenly felt tired. It had been a long day and he felt as if it was time to turn in. He looked around for Kathryn to tell her good night, but when he looked, he realized that she had actually left.

"_Odd"_ Chakotay thought to himself. They had only been at the party for only an hour. He thought he would have a fight on his hands for wanting to leave so early, but she wasn't even there. Putting down his drink, Chakotay cursed himself for a fool and he headed out of the Mess Hall doors.

* * *

_Be Boop_

"Now what!" Kathryn looked up at the ceiling in her Quarters. She had changed into her pyjamas and was sitting on her couch.

She didn't think that she was that upset when she left the Mess Hall, but as soon as she came to the bedroom to change, she saw the picture of Mark and Molly on her night stand. She had forgotten that she had put it there that morning as a sign of good faith and hope that she was getting home soon and that she and Mark would be able to recapture what they had lost. But now they couldn't. Kathryn tried to ignore the picture as she changed, but she could feel her sadness deepen and her loneliness increase as she continued her nightly ritual.

Finally, when she was ready for sleep she snatched the picture intending to put it in the replicator to recycle it. She strode purposely to the machine and then stopped short three steps away from it. It seemed as thought the picture was burning her hand and she stopped to stare at it, memories coming back at once. Kathryn felt as if the picture was weighing her down.

Kathryn stumbled to her couch and sat there staring at the photograph. The lights in the room were reduced to minimal settings on a timer, but Kathryn still sat there in the dark, barely seeing the image in her hand by the uses of her eyes, but seeing it clearly in her mind. After what seemed to be like an eternity, though it could not have been more than ten minutes, the tears began to fall. She didn't try to stop them, nor did she make a sound as they marched down both of her cheeks.

* * *

_Be Boop._

Chakotay rang the chime again and waited and again there was no answer.

"Computer locate Captain Janeway?"

Captain Janeway is in her Quarters"

"Is she alone?"

"Affirmative"

Chakotay was worried. _Wh_y _didn't she at least acknowledge the chime_? He tried again.

_Be Boop._

"Computer, who is at the door?"

"Commander Chakotay."

"Come in." Kathryn finally answered. It was dark, he may have just wanted to ask her something and then he would be on his way. He may not even notice.

_Yeah, right_ was the retort that came flying back at her from that thought.

Who did she think she was kidding? She may have been trying to kid herself, but she knew that she would not be able to hide anything from Chakotay. For once Kathryn did not care. Whatever he saw, he saw, she would take it from there.

* * *

"Yes Commander?" Kathryn's voice was steady.

"Computer, standard illumination." He didn't know what was going on, but he was going to see it with his own eyes. He would not allow her to hide in the darkness anymore. As the lights went on, Kathryn shielded herself with the picture as if she cold hide behind the frame. She cast her eyes downwards and did not meet his gaze.

Chakotay took a long look at her. He had never realized how small she actually was. In an instant, he though that it wasn't her, but an impostor. As he looked closer, he realized that it was indeed her, but something was missing. He figured out what it was. It was her command presence. In his gazing, he didn't miss her swollen eyes before she looked down, nor did he miss the spots of wetness that her tears made on the pajamas. Making a decision, Chakotay crossed the room and sat close to Kathryn, looking at her intently. Neither said anything for a while.

"What's that?" he asked softly, breaking the ice.

Kathryn's head come up slowly and met his eyes. She was a little embarrassed and yet she didn't know why. They had both been in this position before. Perhaps this time, it was the nature of the pain and the fact that the grief that she was dealing with that caused her to feel that way

"Picture of Mark." She showed it to him. He took only one edge as if he could use it to connect to her as she was still holding the photograph.

"I've seen this before, wasn't this in your ready room?" Chakotay was only making conversation trying to get her talking. He knew that particular picture had occupied various positions in her Read Room until their first anniversary in the Delta Quadrant.

"I used to keep it there for inspiration and strength until about three years ago. I had moved in hear after a particular hard day."

"Is that Molly with him?"

"Yes"

"You're lucky to have found someone who shared your love of dogs."

Kathryn smiled through her tears.

"He didn't at first, but then when he fell in love with me….I can remember…" Kathryn ran her fingers lightly over his face in the picture and gave a nervous chuckle as the memory assaulted her. "…..vowing to myself that he would love doges within one year of being with me. I came close. When I left Deep Space Nine, I had got him to take the responsibility for Molly when she was pregnant before I even asked him. I knew he was doing it because he knew that I would expect it, but it was close enough."

Kathryn put the picture down on the table. "I can't believe that I lost him, I can't believe that I lost another one..." Her voice trailed off as the sadness seem to overwhelm her. Chakotay looked at her; the expression on her face earlier was back. She seemed to be beyond tears, but that didn't stop them from marching down her cheeks, she closed her eyes and leaned back on the couch. He didn't say anything as he took her hand and held it and he let her cry in silence drawing the support that she needed from him through that simple touch.

* * *

Chakotay awoke with a start. He had fallen asleep still holding Kathryn's hand. Somehow or the other during sleep, they had let go of each other's hands and as he looked over at her, he could see that she was in a deep sleep. He carried her carefully to her bed so as not to wake her. As he was tucking her in, she moved slightly so that she bumped his arm and woke up startled.

"Chakotay?' She said with a confused look on her face as she tried to get up.

"Shh" he told her as he gently urged her back into the bed, "Go to sleep, you're exhausted." He placed the covers under her arms and turned to leave. Kathryn caught his arm as he did so.

"Chakotay, please don't go. I don't want to be alone." She said calmly and seemed almost resigned to what had to happen next. Chakotay froze. He held himself still as her plea penetrated him. Chakotay stared at her and Kathryn didn't flinch, but he saw the hurt and pain in her eyes and the commitment that he made to her three years ago came back to him in a split second. It began and ended there. Chakotay clasped her hand tightly, looked her straight in the eye and told her what he had said earlier.

"You're not alone."

Then very slowly he bent over and kissed her tenderly on the cheek and then released her hand. He left the room swiftly after that. Kathryn was surprised to see him coming back into her bedroom a moment later dragging a chair. He settled it next to her bed and took her hand once more into his, this time fingers entwined. Kathryn gazed at him in wonder.

"I am here Kathryn. Always." Still looking at her in her eyes, he gave the computer the final command for the night.

"Computer, lights."

The lights went off in the bedroom and all that remained were the lights from the passing stars streaking past the view port as Voyager made its way home at warp. It was barely enough to see Chakotay silhouette leaning over her. But she felt him in the connection between with the joined hands and more than that she felt him in her heart.

"Rest Kathryn, let me be the Captain and the Commander tonight." He said gently.

"Good-night Chakotay."

"Good-night Kathryn."

She was asleep within five minutes with a single tear running down her cheek

* * *

Chakotay remained awake for a time after, looking at Kathryn sleeping and pondering what had just happened that night. He knew what had been offered and he knew why he had rejected it. He wondered if he would ever get a chance like that again. It seemed that they kept coming to the point and dancing away from it. If they had been weaker people, they would have submitted to the tension a long time ago and that was something both of them could not risk because of the nature of their role and the fact that they were the only Federation ship in the Delta Quadrant. If they made a mistake in a consummated relationship, there would be no safety net and then 150 people's lives may hang in the balance.

Chakotay mused that if they were both honest, they would acknowledge that the main obstacle was each other and the nature of their existing relationship. Both of them were passionate people committed to a cause and that cause committed them to each other. That commitment, obsession and passion brought out the best and the worst in each other. To complicate matters further neither could hide from the other. The Delta Quadrant had revealed all of themselves, even the parts that they swore they wouldn't reveal to themselves far less another. There was a sense of nakedness with each other that was so intense that to bring physical nakedness in the relationship and all that it would signify, would fuse them together. They might get lost in each other and both were to fiercely independent to give up that much control to the other.

_Or too proud, _he thought

But always in the back of his mind was '_If we get home……when we get home….then what?'_

What indeed? And did it really matter if they did consummate their friendship into a relationship ? Would it end up just being the fulfilment of biological need to possess the other completely and to stake a claim on each other for the world to know, or would it bring them closer together emotionally.

'_Can we get closer together emotionally than we are?'_

Maybe they were just two obsessed people who went off the edge because of their circumstances? How else could they live and thrive in a relationship when the sexual tension went on and off depending on the mood that one or both parties were in? Would he ever get the chance again to do what he turned down just now? As long as they were on the good ship Voyager, he doubted it. When they got back………maybe. Would he always wonder what it would be like to possess her completely? Maybe, but he had a feeling, it would never be as intense as it once was. Perhaps he will fall in love with someone else and all those questions would be mute. Perhaps not. He made a promise to himself that her needs would come first……whatever happens. It began and ended there. Wherever it took them, he would follow because he had faith in her and in himself when he was with her. Perhaps when the time was right, he would yearn for her as completely as he once did before and then at that time, his desires would be fulfilled…..

With these thoughts, Chakotay felt himself dropping to sleep.

* * *

When Kathryn got up the next morning and saw Chakotay asleep in her chair the memory of the night before came back to her. She was so relieved that the Commander had mistaken her proposition the night before. She didn't know how he mistook it; in fact it was incredible that he did, because he knew her so well. Unless….._Of course_, Kathryn smiled as she realized what had happened. He had deliberately denied her what she wanted and gave her what she needed. She hoped the cost to him was not as great as the cost to her would have been if he had taken her up on his offer. Kathryn sat on the edge of the bed and looked intently at Chakotay sleeping, her heart full

"_My best friend"_ she thought, _"Through everything, to Hell and back always at my side"_ As much as she had lost going on this journey, she had gained so much and Chakotay embodied all of the good. Gently she shook him to wake him.

It was Chakotay's turn to wake up with a start. He looked confused as he stared at Kathryn's face and then he remembered where he was.

"Morning." His smile lit up the room.

"Morning" She smiled back looking at her.

"How are you feeling?" He asked gently

"Much better" and this time he could feel that she meant it. She came closer to him

"Chakotay……." Her arms came up and she gave him a fierce hug. He was surprised initially but then he responded in kind pouring all of his care, all of his concern and all of his love for his best friend in that hug. Kathryn broke the embrace.

"Thank you…..more than you will ever know." He gave his usual small smile and began to leave.

"Breakfast?" Kathryn had started for the bedroom to change and suddenly realized that she was hungry.

Chakotay turned to her "An hour's time in the Mess Hall?"

"It's a date."

The End

**Part 9: Coming into the Light: **

**Ray 4: Plenty of Time**


End file.
